


A View to a Kale

by QuantumButterfly



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 18:24:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2821844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuantumButterfly/pseuds/QuantumButterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The kids spend their day off looking for monsters, while Teddy's customer-control tactic causes problems for Bob and Linda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A View to a Kale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [l1ls3b](https://archiveofourown.org/users/l1ls3b/gifts).



It was a typical Saturday afternoon at Bob’s Burgers. Bob himself was busy at the grill, oblivious to the grease spattering on his apron as he prepared the daily special – the “Kale-ifornia Dreams Burger (with avocado and garlic)”. Linda was womaning the counter, keeping the coffeepot and the conversation flowing. The kids, however …

“Bob, where are the kids?”

Startled by his wife’s sudden appearance at his side, Bob nearly dropped a burger in mid-flip but quickly recovered. “I gave them the day off.”

Linda pursed her lips. “But, Bob, it’s the weekend! Look how busy it is out there!”

Bob glanced through the opening between the kitchen and the dining area and saw two booths and three stools occupied – one by Teddy, who was likely to spend much more time talking than eating. “I think we can handle it, Linda. The kids needed a break.”

“Hmmph. All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when the dinner rush arrives.”

“Linda-“ Bob started, but she had already grabbed a fresh coffeepot and walked away.

 

Across town, the Belcher children were crouching behind a thick hedge, keeping a close watch on the door of the oldest, grandest house in town.

“This is stupid. Let’s go to Jimmy’s,” Tina complained, rising to her feet.

Louise jumped in front of her, blocking her path. “No, it’s real, I swear it!” Her bunny ears bounced as she shook her head in indignation. “We just have to wait and you’ll see.”

Tina groaned. “Do you really believe there’s a monster here or do you just think that because it’s a creepy old mansion?”

Gene piped up. “I saw a monster once. It had a big hairy beard and a hunchback and smelled like pee.”

“That was Grandpa,” Tina said.

“You guys, I swear I’m telling the truth! Just be quiet and wait.” Louise motioned impatiently for them to crouch back down, and they obeyed her (they were generally afraid not to).

  
For long minutes nothing happened. Although they were not entirely buying into Louise’s belief, Belchers stick together, so the others wouldn’t leave until she was satisfied.

Tina had brought along the notebook where she wrote her friend-fiction, and was quickly immersed in a tale of her own making. She smiled as she wrote, in between darting glances in every direction to make sure no one could read her words.

Meanwhile, Glen had found a line of ants and fallen on hands and knees to follow behind them. They led him to the back of the great estate, where a gate was open, leading into an overgrown garden. Not that he noticed the height of the weeds, bent close to the ground as he was so as not to lose track of the ant ahead of him in line.

“Ouch! Thad hurd by nobe!” He glared at the statue base in front of him as if expecting an apology from the cold, cracked marble.

 

Back at the diner, every seat was full and Linda was at the door writing names on an ever-growing waiting list. Everyone seemed excited about the kale burger – she didn’t know why, but was happy to enjoy the increased sales… at least until the crowd got so large that she couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t tell how far down the block the line extended, but it was clearly much farther than she’d experienced in all the years they’d been in business.

Ducking inside, Linda ran to the stool where Teddy sat, as usual.

“Control them! Keep them out!” She whispered desperately.

Teddy jumped off his stool and rushed to the door, holding his arms out wide. “No, you can’t come in!”

“Why not?” A woman in the line yelled.

“Because … because kale has salmonella!” He responded desperately.

The line quickly dispersed in a sea of grumbles and shocked exclamations.

 

At the estate, Tina had finally grown tired of waiting to see Louise’s monster.

“This is dumb. Hey, where’d Gene go?”

“I don’t know. Who cares?” Louise responded. “Hey, shhhh, look at that.”

“Look at what?”

“Shh!!”

Lowering herself closer to the ground and also lowering her voice to a whisper, Tina asked again, “Look at what?”

Louise pointed at the driveway in front of the mansion, where two men were entering a limousine.  
“That tall one’s a zombie. The other one is his keeper.” Her eyes bulged with the intensity of her stare.

“How do you know?’ Tina frowned skeptically.

“Ugh, I just know, OK?! Let’s follow them!”

Tina was about to point out the fact that they were on foot and couldn’t hope to keep up with a car when Gene suddenly fell through the hedge to land at their feet.

“Auugghh!”  
“Gene, why is your nose bleeding?”

“The zombies must have got him. Now he’s a zombie, too!” Louise pointed at her brother with a triumphant glare.

He frantically shook his head. “No, no, nod a zommee!”

Peeking around the corner, Louise stomped her foot in exasperation. “They got away!”

“Come on, let’s just go home.” Tina sighed.

 

The diner was much quieter now, all the customers having fled at the news that they were eating contaminated food. All but Teddy, who was withering under Linda’s lecture.

“You couldn’t find any other way to calm the crowds down?” She wailed. “Really, salmonella? We’re ruined!”

“Calm down, Linda, it’ll be fine.” Bob had taken a seat at the counter to enjoy his own dinner. He patted Teddy’s shoulder. “We all make mistakes.”

“Gosh, I’m sorry, you guys. I guess I just panicked.” He stared glumly at his empty coffee cup. “Can I get a refill, Linda?”

She sighed and shook her head in exasperation, but went to get the pot anyway.

Bob perked up when he heard the bell on the door jingle, but it wasn’t a customer. “Oh, hi, kids. What have you been doing?”

“Oh my God! Gene, you’re bleeding!” Linda rushed to escort him up the stairs.

Just then, the door jangled again. It wasn’t a customer this time either. “Good evening, Bob.”

“Hugo.” Just what they needed, a visit from the unfriendly neighborhood health inspector. Bob looked around and was relieved to see that Linda had gotten Gene out of the dining room – blood dripping on the floor wouldn’t look good.

“I hear we’ve got a little problem here, Bob. Salmonella in the vegetables, is it?” Hugo grinned as he began writing on his clipboard.

“No, there’s no salmonella. It was a silly mistake. Tell him, Teddy.”

Teddy looked startled. “Oh, me? Yeah, I told them that but only so they wouldn’t eat here.”

Triumphant, Hugo seized on that piece of information. “Aha! So, Bob, your best customer recognized the danger and took action to protect people while you just kept cooking your death burgers.” He noticed Louise staring at him. “What do you want?”

She narrowed her eyes. “You’re one of them, too.”

“What?” Bob looked at Hugo, then Louise. No sense in trying to figure out what she was on about. Back to Hugo. “There are no death burgers. Everything here is perfectly safe.”

“You would say that, wouldn’t you? Sorry, Bob. I’m going to have to confiscate all your vegetables.”

“All of them?”

Just then, Louise leapt. “Die, zombie!"

Bob hastily jumped up to grab her arm and pull her away from Hugo. “Stop that!” he ordered as she kicked and flailed. “Tina, take your sister upstairs.”

Before she could move, the door jangled again. This time it was a tall, pale man. He looked around at the chaotic scene and asked, “Sorry, are you open?”

“Yes!” Bob insisted.

Hugo glared at him. “No!”

“It’s the zombie master! Tina, get him!”

“What? No, that’s the new English teacher.”

 

It took an hour or so to get things all sorted out. Hugo finally agreed to only confiscate the kale, on the condition that Bob close down until morning. The new English teacher left, mollified if still confused by Bob’s vague explanations and fervent apologies.

Finally, night had fallen. Bob and Linda slept the well-earned sleep of those who had worked hard all day. Tina was up late, writing a new friend-fiction. Gene slept fitfully, his nose hurting him every time he rolled over onto his face. He eventually got up to use the bathroom.

“Auugghh!” Gene’s agonized scream brought everyone running.

Bob flipped on the hall light to find Gene bent over, crying and clutching the foot from which a fork protruded. Louise crouched a few feet away.

“What is going on here?”

“I had to check to see if Gene was a zombie. He’s not. Good night.” She rushed off to her room.

Bob yawned. “Linda, can you put a bandage on that? We’ll deal with it in the morning.”

Tina suddenly had a new inspiration and hurried back to her notebook.

Linda was relieved to find the wound was shallow, and after a quick application of antibiotic ointment and a few bandaids, yawned her way back to bed.

All was quiet again in the Belcher household. Tomorrow would be a new day.


End file.
